Ah, The Mallow Burger. Quite possibly humanity's greatest achievement. I can't imagine what was running through the mind of its creator. Perhaps, as a staunch vegetarian, he simply wanted to create a sugary alternative to standard hamburgers for his children. Or maybe it was a way to create negative associations with hamburgers so his children would not crave meat. Or maybe he killed his children and used ground up body parts and marshmallow to make a new snack treat.
In any case, it's equally a mystery why a company would think they could make money off of it. What is the target market of a hunk of gooey, vaguely fruity sugar shaped in this fashion? Answer: this guy!
Ted gives the burger a stern talking-to before our main event. "No funny business!" Ted insists.
This particular Mallow Burger came by way of my father and had sat underneath my mini counter-top Christmas tree for the better part of a month before catching Ted's eye. My father, by the way, is quite a fan of odd food products. He used to get every issue of some low-circulation, black and white, homemade looking digest about all sorts of the weirdest, marginally edible things. He cuts me out the weekly column from the Riverfront Times called "Keep It Down" where the author tries some new abomination and pontificates upon its social and cultural ramifications or something. Ted was up to the challenge. Well, that is, the challenge of eating it.
Man vs. Packaging: The Age Old Struggle
The challenge of opening the package, however, proved to be too much for our stalwart hero. His loving girlfriend Stephanie stepped forward.
It just needed a feminine touch.
With the package bested, Ted took a hearty whiff of what was soon to enter his digestive tract. Traditionally, smelling your food before you eat it activates your saliva glands and kicks up some stomach acid in preparation for the meal to come. I would imagine that this did the opposite -- a culinary cold shower, if you will. Ted described the smell as "fruity".
In some countries, laughing at food is an imprisonable offense.
The reality of what was about to occur started to jell and Ted and Stephanie both descended into laughter. I suspect on some level Ted knew it would be a long time before he ever laughed again. With none of us getting any younger, Ted dove into his first bite!
Orgasmic Pleasure or Death Rattle?
Let's see the inside of that burger:
One thing I will say about our friends at Kandy Kastle Inc., they don't skimp on the details. This isn't some giant white marshmallow with some cheesy, cheap coloring around the outside. This is a burger, through and through. On some level you have to respect that...once you get past all the levels of nausea. Now, let me pause for a brief moment to give you some background on Ted. Ted is one of those people who puts ketchup on everything. Everybody knows one or two. So, it was only natural that once he realized that "mallow burger" has the word "burger" in it, he would want to slather on some Heinz.
That odd-looking mass in the center is a load-bearing mallow support pillar.
The ketchup looks oddly at home.
It oozes enticingly out of the side.
Surely no human being would ever want to stick this in their mouth. Yes, it looks amusing -- haha, ketchup on a little burger! But actually eating ketchup on a weird, vaguely fruity candy? Nobody could be that masochistic.
I stand corrected.
"Not bad."
Overall, Ted seems mostly satisfied with the addition of ketchup. He seemed to like it better than the plain alternative, at the very least. It was at this point in our journey that Ted became insistent that I try a bite. I wasn't going to eat the damned thing on its own and that goes double when it has ketchup on it! After several minutes of squabbling, it seemed that Ted was unwilling to go any further unless I also tried a bite. I was adamant in my refusal. After a long, awkward silence, Ted said, "Well. Fine. I'll only keep eating it if you have more stuff to put on it." Jackpot!
Something sweet to complement our candy.
Given a few options, Ted went for the Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate Syrup. I admit, this might have been an almost enticing choice, had there not already been a healthy dollop of ketchup applied to the burger. You can see the syrup pooled on the right side of the bun in the preceding picture.
Ted, Hershey's, Heinz and MB have meeting of the mouths.
After this bite, Ted erupted into a fit of uncontrollable giggling, as though his brain was unable to process what had just occurred. Still, he showed no sign of stopping. He did not appear repulsed or daunted whatsoever. "What's next?"
An enormous bottle of KC Masterpiece BBQ sauce, furnished by my mother (probably from 4th of July).
Topping, the third.
By this point, Ted had remarked that the burger itself was getting "soggy". I can't even begin to imagine what that that would actually feel/taste like. *shudder*
Bite 4: Ketchup, Chocolate Syrup and BBQ Sauce
Actual quote from Ted: "That was the best one yet!" Stephanie comes over into the kitchen to offer moral support but is quickly driven away by the smell. I imagine Ted will have a hard time getting kissed after this. But, he seems unfazed. He orders me to survey the fridge for his next accoutrement.
Does Cool Whip REALLY make everything better?
Ted seemed genuinely excited about the prospect of Cool Whip. Perhaps that's why he smeared such a large amount on the burger. Again, as with the chocolate syrup, I could see this being less than disgusting were there not ketchup and BBQ sauce involved. Also, I fear at this point we began to approach an excessive sweetness threshold. The burger itself plus the chocolate and whip added up to a lot of sugar. Would Ted be able to choke it down?
He looks thoughtful. Or like he's playing a pan flute.
Another successful topping addition and tasting! It felt like we were living on borrowed time and Ted was becoming dangerously unhinged. Throwing all caution to the wind, Ted (seriously!) suggested adding one of the nearby Ricola cough drops onto the burger. Feeling a bit responsible for this spectacle, I steered him away from the medicine and towards something more resembling food.
Like this thing wasn't sticky enough...
Bite 6: Ketchup, Chocolate Syrup, BBQ Sauce, Cool Whip and Honey
Previously, we had done well with a tangy/sweet/tangy/sweet alternating pattern. The aforementioned sweetness threshold was thrown way out of wack by our application of the sweet honey right after the sweet Cool Whip and it became too much for Ted to bear. For the first time, Ted was unable to swallow his bite.
Spit it out!
Ted threw in the towel at this point. I can't say I blame him. The soggy, repeatedly violated remainder of the burger got tossed in the trash.
About the author:
Jeremy is an IT professional who enjoys watching his friends eat disgusting things without having to do it himself.
Email him at: jdrc05 AT hotmail.com